The world's biggest dog and cat !!!

How to give a cat a pill:

• Pick up your kitty and cradle it gently in the crook of your  left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth and carefully apply pressure to the cheeks while holding pill in your right hand.  As the cat opens his mouth, pop pill inside.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
• Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
• Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.
• Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
• Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from the top of the entertainment center.  Wake spouse up from a sound sleep.
• Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between your knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing a wooden ruler into cat's mouth.  Drop pill down the ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
• Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to get a new ruler and repair curtain rod.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from mantle and set to one side for gluing later.
• Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.
• Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink beer to take away the taste.  Apply bandage to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
• Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open two more beers.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck, so as to leave just the head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with rubber band.
• Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check date of last tetanus shot.  Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from the bedroom.
• Ring fire department to retrieve cat from the tree across the road.  Apologize to other neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take the last pill from foil wrapper.
• Tie the evil monster's front paws to the rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table.  Send spouse to buy heavy pruning gloves.  Put pill in mouth followed by a large piece of tuna.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertical and pour two pints of water down cat's throat to wash down the pill.
• Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the ER, sit quietly while doctor stitches your fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye.  Call furniture shop on the way home and order new dining room table.
• Notify the vet that the cat won and call the pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
   
   Dogs Rock!AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
• MIND A LITTLE SLOBBER!

• The dog is not allowed in the house.
• Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
• The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
• The dog can get on the old furniture only.
• Fine, the dog is allowed on the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep on the bed with humans.
• Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
• The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
• The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
• The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
• The human can sleep under the covers only if the dog makes room.

            VERY WELL TRAINED DOG         HOW CUTE IS THIS?              BATMAN'S DOG!!                   

• Things I Must Remember

When I Come Back As A Dog

• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to stand straight up while I am lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
• I must shake the rainwater our of my fur before entering the house.
• I will not eat the cat's food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet left in the house when I have to be sick.
• I will not puke in the car.
• I will not roll in deer poop just because I like the way it smells.
• "Kitty Box Krunchies", although they are tasty are not really food.
• I will not eat anymore Kleenex, napkins or paper and then deposit it in the backyard after proccessing.
• The diaper pail is not a treat jar.
• I will not chew on my human's tootbrush and not tell them.
• I will not chew on crayons or pens, especially not the red ones or people will think I am hemorrhaging.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the windows rolled down when it is raining.
• We actually do have a doorbell so I don't need to bark incessantly to announce the arrival of visitors.
• The sofa is not a face towels.  Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refridgerator or the garbage can.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
• I will not play tug of war with Dad's underwear while he is sitting on the toilet.
• I will not eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage because I don't want to have a string hanging out my butt.
• I will not play "roll around in the dirt" after having my spa session with Hilarie.
• Sticking my nose into someone's privates is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
• I will not hump any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
• I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
• I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
• The toilet bowl is not an unending water supply, and just because the water is blue doesn't mean it's cleaner.
• I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my private parts when company is over.
• The cat is not a squeaky toy!
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